My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
