Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Oral stamina is what keeps life exciting
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