You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Question. If Kwik Trip and Kum and Go were to merge, what would they call it? Kwik Kum or Kum Kwik?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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