I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
