I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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