what if every blade of grass was a penis?
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
Randomize
