I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
Someone signed my nipple.
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