Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Guess who was PASSED OUT ON A BMW. I shit you not
Stop it right now
This time face forward
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
