Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
