her vagine was all disorganized.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
Randomize
