new low.... made out with someone while peeing
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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