My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
The second I see you we're shot gunning beers
It's gonna be 8 o'clock in the morning
And your point is?
Marry me
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
