You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
