What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Oh, don't even get me started. Harry Potter is so pure. Twilight is just teenage girl porn.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
