Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
it's a rainbow of FUCK YOU
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
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