and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
All I remember is doing a naked tuck and roll of your bed.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Sry I came all over your dress. Think of it as a Vegas souvenir.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Randomize
