one two three fourrrrnication!
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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