somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
Randomize
