oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
I think that means you're growing up...when your coke nail becomes your opening mail nail.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Of course that's what I'm wearing. I need to find a beard to mount and ride STAT.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
