It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
