Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
