the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
