Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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