Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Randomize
