maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
sometimes i think what itd be like to be a firework
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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