paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
I won't apologize to a one balled man
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
tell me about the fingering
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