my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Randomize
