Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
No we don't really celebrate valentines day, we just use it as an excuse to drink 3 bottles of red wine and fuck for a few hours.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I've never had someone have to dis-arm themselves before I sucked their dick prior to that
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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