I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
And hes hitting me with his balls, really hard.
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Things are coming back to me in chunks. I vaguely remember signing a shirt that said 'I enjoy vagina'
I AM SO PROUD OF YOU
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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