I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
she said "feliz nobby job" then proceeded to give me a blowjob.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
