So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
