So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
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How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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