Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
