You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
My life is pants optional.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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