Gonna get hammered and start online dating men in prison. But... only the ones who get out within two years.
Girl's gotta have her standards.
sarcasm needs its own font
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
He called his prostate his "boner button".
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
Randomize
