just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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