I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
His reasoning for leaving the keys in the ignition of my car overnight with the top down in an open parking lot ? Too eager to have sex. The sex was not that good for him to do this twice....
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
