I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Randomize
