FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
1 of the best things of being a business owner is I don't get fired for having sex in the office
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I almost wanna stick a tampon in and sneeze bent over to see if it actually shoots out
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
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