Why does Corona taste like a burp?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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