She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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