Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
