he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Randomize
