I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
What you up to?
Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.
Full throttle
Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Randomize
