thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
I woke up and found that i was using my computer as a pillow. i had 53 pages of random letters on Microsoft word
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
