new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
