just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
Randomize
