I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
