ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
but, i was nude. you really should respect my stupidity and delete them. please.
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
It's astonishing how many Ludacris lyrics you know
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
Randomize
