In the future we'll all be gay
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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