you turned your livingroom into a bong?
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
tell me about the eggs
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