First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
tell me about the fingering
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
