My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Found a piece of twizzler in my buttcrack.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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