Your mouth is God's brothel.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
like don't tell me my baby smooth vag offended you
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
