I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
Randomize
