Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
she woke up with a sticky ear
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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