I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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