I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
