glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Rush week is fine, only the t-shirts are white and if it rains, the frat boys in their lawn chairs will be treated to 800 freshmen girls in their first wet tshirt contest.
Welcome to college.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Randomize
